“I seen myself with a dirty face

I cut my luck with a dirty ace

I leave the light on

I leave that light on

I went from zero to minus ten

I drank your wine then

I stole your man

I leave the light on

I leave that light on

Daddy ain’t that bad he just plays rough

I ain’t that scarred when I’m covered up

I leave the light on, I leave that light on

Little girl hiding underneath the bed

Was it something I did

Must be something I said

I leave the light on, better leave the light on

I wanna love

I wanna live

I don’t know much about it

I never did

17 and I’m all messed up inside

I cut myself just to feel alive

I leave the light on

I leave that light on

21 on the run,on the run,on the run

From myself, from myself and everyone

I leave the light on

Better leave the light on

Cause I wanna love

And I wanna live

I don’t know much about it

And I never did

I don’t know what to do, can the damage be undone

I swore to God that I’d never be what I’ve become

Lucky stars and fairy tales

I’m gonna bathe myself in a wishin’ well

Pretty scars from cigarettes

I…never will forget, I…never will forget

I’m still afraid to be alone

Wish that moon would follow me home

I leave the light on

I leave that light on

I ain’t that bad I’m just messed up

I ain’t that sad but I’m sad enough

Cause I wanna love

And I wanna live

I don’t know much about it

And I never did

I don’t know what to do, can the damage be undone

I swore to God that I’d never be what I’ve become

Na na na na na na na na

I leave that light, I leave that light, I leave that light on

God bless the child with the dirty face, who cuts her luck with a dirty ace

She leaves the light on

I leave that light on”

Hey Babes, 

I laugh any time one of you “bullies” me, and I make a big stink and pout in front of you, but sometimes I wish there’d been videos of me when I was young. You guys wouldn’t recognize me, I was so mean. I took a lot of shit from people, but I was vicious, and I struck to maim. I’d learned I had to be a bitch and also cute, otherwise no one would want me around. You guys poke at me being nice, calm, and chill. I wish you knew how hard I fought to be so sweet. I wish you knew how many people I hurt, because you’d never make light of it now. Even with all the meanness I carried around with me, I left the light on. I was always scared of the dark, shadows scared the shit out of me. 

“I seen myself with a dirty face

I cut my luck with a dirty ace

I leave the light on

I leave that light on

I went from zero to minus ten

I drank your wine then

I stole your man

I leave the light on

I leave that light on”

I think I always had a dirty face (and feet) from walking everywhere, all the time. Walking was the only thing that soothed me. I was always cutting myself on branches, on secret paths that led to beaches no one else knew of. I never had to work hard to get beer, there was always an older guy willing to buy it for me. I didn’t steal anyone’s man, I was who they all slept with in secret. I had to hold on extra long, so that I could pretend we could have this in the morning sun too. 

“Daddy ain’t that bad he just plays rough

I ain’t that scarred when I’m covered up

I leave the light on, I leave that light on

Little girl hiding underneath the bed

Was it something I did

Must be something I said

I leave the light on, better leave the light on”

The real scars your Granddaddy left weren’t physical, they were debilitating insecurities and shame that he instilled until the moment he died. He believed so deeply about things that hardly mattered, and left me with a heaping pile of shit called shame and guilt, and it would take me years, decades, to believe differently about myself, and everything I’d suffered. The scars would even seep into you both, insecurities I can’t love away. 

“17 and I’m all messed up inside

I cut myself just to feel alive

I leave the light on

I leave that light on

21 on the run,on the run,on the run

From myself, from myself and everyone

I leave the light on

Better leave the light on”

14 and living life like it would never end, and I’d always get lucky. I thought I was invincible, but I also desperately wanted one of my bad decisions to kill me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself. I could cut and cut, but I could never go all the way. I used drugs to do the job I couldn’t. Always on a new adventure, convinced the world was always going to turn in my favor. I loved lying under the lights on the bridge, daring anyone to come and take me away. I’d give up after 3am, head home drunk and let down. 

“Lucky stars and fairy tales

I’m gonna bathe myself in a wishin’ well

Pretty scars from cigarettes

I…never will forget, I…never will forget”

Your grandmother’s voice “Oh my lucky stars” because being a hateful miserable human wasn’t nearly as sinful than taking a Gods name she didn’t even believe in. If i’d bathed in a wishing well, would it all have been different? “Pretty scars from cigarettes I never will forget.” There’s been so many, but I can’t remember a single one. My brain did it’s best, and while I may have been able to forget the worst of it, there’s so much I’ll never be free from. 

In the moonlight, I can see that the scars I bear aren’t just physical; they’re the remnants of battles fought against insecurities and shame, passed down through generations. The physical scars remind me that what I’ve survived was real, not just a recurring nightmare. My journey was marked by reckless behavior, seeking solace in self-inflicted pain and temporary highs. Especially in those moments of chaos, I clung to the light, yearning for a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness.

Love,

Mommy